Jacob Vitalli - Mind Diary: My Life Aquarius Pt.1

Feb 9th 1982 - Japanese Airlines Flight 350 crashed in Tokyo Bay due to thrust reversal on approach to Tokyo International Airport, killing 24 of the 174 people on board.  Of the 150 survivors, only one delivered me into the world via c-section at 7:13 am, Feb 10th 1982.  All i remember were the nurses shoes.  They were teal jellies. Size 5.

February 13th 1983 - a disgruntled employee named Ernesto Livorno, burnt down a local cinema in Turin Italy, killing 64 people.  The last film to be shown there was I Predatori di Atlantide (The Atlantis Interceptors) directed by Ruggero Deodato and starring Christopher Connelly as Mike Ross.  Our neighborhood was featured in the location scouting for the film.  In an effort to get a job, my uncle Frank helped the crew carry their cameras.  Uncle Frank has photographed things that will make your organs hurt.


February 14th, 1984 – British ice dancers Jayne Torvill and Christopher Dean scored 12 perfect 6.0's for their interpretation of Ravel's Boléro in the1984 Winter Olympics in Sarajevo. They won the gold medal for ice dancing.  Local inventor Mr. F.J. Zamboni, declared that his latest, and ultimately last, invention (which smoothed and leveled the edge of the ice) was responsible for the 12 perfect scores.  Mr. F should have been trying to un-invent cancer instead because it eventually killed him.




IM 3 YRS OLD

      

        How are you doing?  Im ok but as usual Im stressed out from your addiction.  Watching you is like volunteering to be water-boarded....... I know it'll be ok in the end but that doesn't mean its going to be easy.  I just worry about you so much.  You're friends and family......not so much.
        Please tell your sister to stop talking like she memorized the Urban Dictionary, ya big bowl of fuck butter. (look it up)  Please tell your dad to kill himself.  He's crowding your mind and one over explanatory inner monologue is enough for me.  Please tell your friends at Showtime to stop recapping and previewing the entire series at the beginning and end of the each episode.  It takes way too much time and I find it personally insulting.  That being said, I cant wait until I see you again next season.

                                                                                                                                    Love,

Your Biggest Fan

p.s. I'm sorry Rita died but I think its for the best.  Trinity killed her so you wouldn't have to.  That woman would have eventually nagged the life out of you.  At least you and Dex Jr. will have something in common.

The Garbage Isn't Going In Our Yard Russ, It's Going In Our Living Room

Wow, i think everyone on TV got together and decided to have the most fucked up season in the history of whatever show they were working on. Its out of control. TV should never feel stressful to watch. Dexter, Hoarders, Intervention, Mad Men, etc, they're all waaaay too compelling.

But it's tough. I find myself constantly putting myself in the position of some of these people and it baffles me. And i feel terrible for them, their children especially. Think about if you lived in a Hoarders house. I can't imagine how hard it would be for a kid to try and lie his way out of a sleep over or something.

KID A

hey tommy, can we spend the night at your house?

KID B

.......uh, well. we're remodeling the kitchen so its a mess.

KID A

again? thats like your 4th kitchen in the last year.

KID B

mm hmm, yeah my mom can never make up her mind.

KID A

ah come on, we'll stay out of the way!

KID B

nope, we um, we actually uh, we are housing some illegal

immigrants so there isn't any room.

KID A

oh my god you're so full of it, your dad hates illegals

KID B

OK OK OK FINE!!! I'LL TELL YOU WHY YOU CAN'T

SLEEP OVER............ my mother is either lazy or crazy

and because of that our home is overflowing with dead

cats and human feces....... YA STILL WANNA SLEEP OVER?

When goats have eaten through the walls of your home..............from the outside..............and instead of herding the goats away and patching up the hole, you decide to start your own personal petting zoo............ its time to consider medication.

When going to sleep no longer involves laying on a mattress....and instead looks a lot more like a strung out Harry Potter character strapping themselves down onto a pile of garbage, shitting themselves in an adult diaper, and thanking God for the invention of the Snuggie........ its time to consider taking all of that medication at once.

Bum Fights?

A bum tried to fight me a few days ago.

It was about 3pm and I was walking down the middle of the street because the sidewalks were still covered with snow. Out of the corner of my eye i saw a man sitting on the steps of a church. As i turned my head to look at him he stood up and yelled, "HEY, YOU WANT A BLOODY NOSE?".

Now i should point out that for a multitude of reasons i was not in a very good mood, but I let it slide. It was cold outside and i wanted to get home. So i just kept walking. But then he yelled at me again. "HEY BOY, I OUGHTA PUNCH YOU RIGHT IN YOUR FUCKIN FOREHEAD".

So i stopped and turned around to see him struggling to walk towards me. He was obviously drunk and I instantly realized that i could beat him to a pulp, leave him lying in the middle of street, and never think of it again. There was nobody around to witness it, let alone call the cops. But i kept walking.

I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Why didn't I teach him a lesson? I think it was because, even though i didn't know it at the time, he really wanted me to punch him. Denying him that felt pretty good. Almost as good as punching him in his beard would have.

Bums are interesting. A few months ago I saw one wearing a t-shirt that said "My President is Black". I didn't even really notice it much at the time. It hit me later that if I'd seen him wearing that shirt 5 yrs ago, I would have thought he was the craziest bum in the world.

"Sure, a black president, thats very cute. Heres a dollar, now run along". But what if he's had that shirt forever and no one acknowledged his Nostradamus like prophecies?

If you see a bum pushing a shopping cart with a sign that says MY OTHER CART IS A MILLENIUM FALCON....... you better get ready for the gift of light speed! Its only a few years away.

All of this makes me think that every homeless person should have a bluetooth device at all times. Think about it. They can talk to themselves all they want. From a distance they'll just look like tech savvy mountain men. If anybody gives them shit they can just tell them

"Im on a conference call with Satan and The Grim reaper. Would you like me to put them on hold?"

Social Networking is getting weird.

People are becoming "fans" of completely banal products that as far as i can tell have no actual competitor.

It's like those television commercials for Pork. When people think about how much they would love a nice juicy piece of bacon, they don't decide which animal they'd like it to come from. My girlfriend works at an Ad agency. None of them are busy working on a new Ad campaign titled, "Car, Its what's for driving."

And lets not ignore the strange chain of events that transpired here. Jesus Christ what a bizarre genesis. If you ask me it should be confiscated as evidence. Here's what obviously happened.......

• there was an argument between a Mob boss and he wife (he thought the turkey was dry)
• he got physical
• she grabbed her electric carving knife and killed him
• she let all her friends know that she was finally "single"
• she fed his body to her friends (they thought it was dry)
• she put all the leftover fiance in glad lock bags for sack lunches
• and finally, she became the first Made Woman in the history of the mob by taking over her husbands job.

I wonder how Tom from Myspace is doing right now?

The founder of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg sends out a mass letter and almost 33,000 people take the time to write a comment that will be lost forever in a black hole of nothingness. But it doesnt matter to them. They love Facebook.

Tom probably gets around 3 friend requests, 2 messages, and 8 or 9 comments every day. All from pedophiles and shitty bands. His white T-shirt is probably torn and dirty. His hair likely resembles a rats nest. Im sure hes considered deleting his profile a few times but never does it cause it feels too close to suicide.

When you think about it Facebook and MySpace are kinda like Target and WalMart. Ones got a little touch of class while the other makes you feel like you're in the presence of child molesters and future child molesters.

Keep your temples clean and stick with Facebook and Target.

And finally, in an apparent effort to attract worthless customers, some game making genius' on Facebook are touting their easy and addictive game.

When someone says that to you on Facebook it doesn't seem that bad. But when someone says that to you on the street its a felony. Thats something heroin dealers say.

"Hey kid put down that book and find a vein. Everybody knows life's hard. What you need is an easy and addictive game"

But Im a fan of The Ankeny Chamber of Commerce so what do i know?

Comedy Pictures

Tonight my girlfriend Kasey and I went to see local stand up comedians, and then took a walk. There's a little bar up the street that has an open mic every other Tuesday. Maybe sometime one of us will give it a shot but for right now we just love going. Its always fun no matter how bad the comedians are.

The first time we went there was a guy in the front row who just found EVERYTHING hilarious. It was great because it made the comedians more comfortable. You know how in Vegas if someone's winning a lot at black, the casino will send in a cooler to end the streak and restore stability? Well thats what this guy was like. A Reverse Cooler. As soon as somebody started to bomb the guy would throw out a huge laugh which got them back in control.

My favorite comedian there is Jeff. I don't know his last name. He has a slight mental disorder. He's not crazy, just a little slow. Sometimes he trails off during a punchline or forgets it completely. Ive never seen someone so happy to be on stage. He doesnt care if no ones laughing, he just likes telling jokes, but Im always laughing. And not in a snarky mean spirited kind of way. He just makes me happy.

But he also makes me ask myself why he's able to get up in front of people and Im not?

Also, there's a giant inflatable Santa Clause in the lobby of Kasey's apt.

Brother 2 Brother

Theres a movie coming out tomorrow called Brothers. The first time I saw the trailer i thought it looked like a really great
drama about the effects of war. But the second time i saw another trailer and it made it look more like a run of the mill thriller.
Im guessing its going to be pretty good. My theory is that the movie will be more like the first trailer but the producers are
trying to maximize their ticket sales by marketing it two different ways.

Heres the first one and its for the dumb asses.






Its short, a little over a minute. God forbid they loose peoples
attention. It has a narrator so idiots know exactly whats going on. The
music is very ominous and suggests that the movie is a thriller, which sells a lot of tickets.



Heres the second one and its for smart people.








You'll notice right away that its longer which requires you to take
more time and pay more attention. There is no narration. If you're lost
then fuck you, use your brain and figure it out yourself.
The music is much more melancholy and gives you a much more dramatic feel.



Maybe this is what happens when you go see a movie and you say to
yourself "that was nothing like the trailer made it out to be".

Like i said, i think its going to be more like the 2nd trailer portrays. As long as its good i guess i don't really care.

Just Be Honest

I can confidently say that the 2004 election was a huge blow to honesty in America. Once the phrase "flip flopper" was effectively applied to John Kerry it signaled one thing about the base of both Democrats and Republicans...... changing your mind is risky. But admitting you changed your mind is political suicide. A subtle declaration was made that anyone who dared revise their stance on an issue was not analytical but instead indecisive and weak, and therefore unelectable. So now more than ever, politicians are afraid to speak their mind.

It sickens me to have to pick from 2 predictable extremes every four years. I want a Democrat with the guts to admit that gun laws don't stop criminals. I want a Republican who'll admit that the bible is a fairy tale.

I want someone who isn't afraid to say that true freedom is not possible unless we have the right to do stupid things. Thats why Im calling on President Obama to go back to smoking cigarettes. Call a press conference, pull out a Camel, and puff away. Tell us how stressful your job is and how smoking helps you cope. Im sure America will understand

Movie Monday

In 2006 astronomers declared that Pluto was no longer considered a planet.

A few weeks ago Pluto Nash was named worst movie flop of the decade...

http://www.worstpreviews.com/headline.php?id=15940&count=0

Lets be like astronomers and just strip it of its "movie" classification. Then we can blow it up with the Death star along with all the worlds worst movies.

A recent film that needs to explode is Paranormal Activity.

- 90 mins of Ghost Hunters does not constitute a movie. Especially if 84 of those 90 mins are more IN-active than a coma stricken quadrapolegic. "But she stood by the bed and watched him sleep for hours!!!" People, its not hard to speed up 10 mins of film, put a fake time stamp on it, and make it look like someone is the worlds most dedicated peeping tom. Not every movie effect is a giant tidal wave that destroys the world. If you thought this was real then its time to reevaluate your life.

However, if youre looking for an underrated movie check out Mr. Brooks.

It reminds me a lot of Showtimes Dexter, which i quite enjoy. Aside from Demi Moore thinking shes auditioning for GI JANE 2, and a Matrix-esque shoot out scene, i was pleasantly surprised. Somehow, this movie survives despite Dane Cook playing a fairly significant role (his acting is slightly more tolerable than his stand up) Kevin Kostner is fantastic as a conflicted family man and killer. Its clear that his career could have really benefited from playing the bad guy more often. But the scene stealer is William Hurt as Kostners twisted inner monolouge that really gives us a peek into the mind of a sociopath. Put it on your Netflix, you wont be disappointed.

Today is BLACK FRIDAY

We The People are going crazy for sales.  No doubt we could use a break in todays tough economic times, but people are risking their lives now.  A year ago today a man was trampled to death by a stampede of idiots at a Wal-Mart. 

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/nationworld/2008448574_shop290.html   

We're like a rejected George Ramero script.

Good news though.  I have a solution.  We convince the Pamplonian's of Spain to combine their Running of the Bulls with our Black Friday.   This avoids adding more unfortunate death or injury to the world than there already is, while sustaining our rabid desire to save a couple bucks. 

We hire those sprinting Spaniards to do our shopping for us while they run from a giant beast that wants to al-GORE-vidal them in the ass.  

It could be set up like a raffle.  $1 buys you a ticket which entitles you to one sprinting/shopping Spaniard.  Once you meet your Spaniard you tell them that you have your eyes on a $36 Blu-Ray player thats "really nice".  As extra incentive tell him that he can also grab a few things for himself.

Vegas will of course place odds and take bets similar to a horse race.  

"$50 parlay on Javier Bardem to show please"